There are actually a few things I vividly remember from the day Jeremiah died. I don't think there's much sequence to my few flashes, but there are two that stand out in my mind significantly. The phone call was one and the moment I realized my child was not going to have a father he or she would physically know. In that moment I remember looking my Dad in his dark brown sad eyes and telling him "I don't want Bean to be screwed up". How am I going to explain this to her? How am I going to make her feel like she's not missing something? Better yet someone? Someone so special. I suppose I just love her and the rest will fall into place?
With age comes more decisions. More intelligence and personality. With her 2nd birthday quickly approaching (now has come & gone) it felt like it was time to make a big decision. Is it time to put her in some sort of preschool program? Obviously she is my only child. She is extremely attached to me and Gama. By the way she's back to sleeping with me in "our" bed. It's a long story and I don't want to digress too far. Anyway, I was beginning to feel inadequate. Am I meeting her needs? Structure, activity, socialization.....all these things swirling in my head and no Jeremiah to bounce them off of. Yes I have my sister, Jordan, my parents, but I needed Jeremiah. Her father, the other person who was supposed to share this responsibility with me. Let me tell you it is one thing to take on the duty of parenting with a partner, but it is a whole new ball game when it's only you. Me. The sole person who in the end is responsible for this child, her life, and her father's legacy. HELLO PRESSURE!!!!!!
I don't really remember how I stumbled upon Shining Stars, but I did, and in that weird meant to be way we are two months into enrolling her in this program and I can say with all honesty I am confident in my decision. I bounced back and forth between a couple Montessori schools, but upon my first tour of Shining Stars something about it felt right. At one point during a observation of the class I looked up at the door of the classroom and on it was the quote "Every Day is a Gift". Damn right it is. Words I have learned to live by. Gold Star!!!! Upon my second interview with the teacher Mrs. Kimberly (Miah calls her Kimmy) I explained our story. Through my watering eyes as I spoke I could see something familiar in Mrs. Kimberly's blue eyes. She too had a story. One very similar to Miah Jane's. Mrs. Kimberly's father died when she was two and her mother was seven months pregnant with her brother. Okay. I think we are done here.
Miah attends "school" Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Sometimes she calls it "school" and most times she calls it "Kimmy Day". The first couple weeks were absolute torture. Miah cried the entire drive there and Mrs. Kimberly had to basically peel her off of me so I could leave. ABSOLUTE TORTURE!! What was I doing to this poor child?!!!! I thought I would give it one good solid month and go from there. Well here it's November and girlfriend loves her some school!! Each week got easier and easier and we now have a groove. The team effort Mrs. Kimberly and the other teachers provide is incredible and more than I thought was possible. I've been given reassuring phone calls, emails, notes, and best of all pictures as proof of what my Dad told me early on. She's going to be okay.
Some of the Shining Stars!!
On a particular rough day Mrs. Kimberly surrendered her desk to MJ and let her watch a slide show of pictures from her birthday party to comfort her.
A little one on one time with the VERY loved "Kimmy" aaand I think a guinea pig?
HOW THE HELL?!!! Magic in those four walls I tell you!!!!
Hamming it up!! This means good things!!
I YI YI child what Mommy would or wouldn't do for you.
Thank you Mrs. Kimberly, Mrs. Evelyn, and Mrs. Julie!!!
You made such a hard decision so easy!!