Sunday, January 12, 2014


I remember at a very young age, being so jealous of my baby brother.  One particular memory of this emotion was my birthday.  I think I might have been turning four.  My Aunt had brought gifts for me, naturally it was MY birthday, but what the hell?  She brought a gift for Georgie?  Why does baldy get gifts on my birthday?  I vividly remember to this day the feeling of absolute distaste of this  thoughtful and innocent gesture.  Georgie was two years younger than me and quite possibly the cutest two year old you ever laid your eyes on.  I watched everyone in my family dote over him and it killed me.  Little did I realize I was doted on quite a bit too being the first grandchild on both sides of my family.  However, at the innocent age of four I wasn't noticing that.  I was only seeing the hugs and kisses being given to Georgie.  I was "perceiving" he was loved more. 

per·cep·tion (definition via

noun \pər-ˈsep-shən\

: the way you think about or understand someone or something
: the ability to understand or notice something easily
: the way that you notice or understand something using one of your senses

My senses were telling me my little brother was receiving more love than me.  Obviously this is a ridiculous idea.  I mean I understand some of us play favorites, but there is no way my mother and my father, my aunts and uncles, my grandparents felt in their hearts more love for Georgie than for me, but that sure was what my mind was conjuring up through what I was seeing and hearing.

"The more I see, the less I know for sure." - John Lennon

Which leads to my what point do we ditch perception and realize what we see and hear is not necessarily what is felt with the heart.  It's not the core of who we are.  Our heart.  Our soul.  I see the four year old I once was in my daughter, who right now is a vivacious little sassafrass of a girl.  She is very jealous of her new cousin JJ. I see that four year old in myself still to this day at times.  I see this four year old in most of my peers whom are all on the other side of 35 for the most part.  Perceiving and protruding "perceptions" of who they are. 

Again here lies that question I keep asking myself.  How much of what I am seeing and hearing is real? Real to the core of who that person may be or real to the core of who I am.  Truly felt from within the heart.  What is this need so many fall prey to, including myself, to share a perception through certain social media outlets that isn't or is true to who we are as people.  Why do we need validation of who we are from anyone else other than ourselves and a select few loved ones?  What are we fulfilling?  It makes sense to me that if one is at peace or centered with oneself completely this needy behavior would not exist.  I would imagine more time would be spent fulfilling your heart and mind with love and wisdom through true experience.  Real living.  Living and breathing the present moment.  Moving forward this new year of 2014, I plan to make a conscious effort to stop perceiving and start being present.  Using my senses as tools of the heart which is where I want my mind to be fed from.  Believe in myself and what my heart feels and tells me.  It's not living otherwise.  At least not for me.  My heart doesn't lie to me.  My mind may try some tricks, but my heart I can trust.  She has been broken and torn apart, but she still beats the undeniable truth.  She's brutal sometimes, but she does not lie.  She still beats love and hope.  I believe in her.

I deleted my Facebook page a little over four years ago.  Within this past year I started and deleted two Instagram profiles.  I deleted my second and final Instagram profile over a week ago.  It was difficult to do.  I'll miss many sweet smiling faces, but it has been such a freeing experience for me at the same time.  It's not for everyone and I admire people that can separate what is real and not real with no inner effect.  I have a hard time doing that, therefore, I don't belong a part of either.

"What people in the world think of you is really none of your business." - Martha Graham

By the way my beloved little brother.........I love you.

"Through the eyes and I sparkle, Senses growing keen
Taste your love along the way, See your feathers preen
Kind of makes makes me feel sometimes, Didn't have to grow
We are eagles of one nest, The nest is in our soul"

10 Years Gone ~ Led Zeppelin

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